Just Because Someone Carries it Well, Doesn’t Mean It Isn’t Heavy
As women of color, we often wear our strength like a badge of honor. We’re praised for our resilience, our ability to push through challenges, and our unwavering support for those around us. But behind that strength, there’s often a weight no one sees.
Society celebrates the “Strong Black Woman” — the one who holds it all together. While this strength can be empowering, it can also be isolating. The pressure to carry the emotional, mental, and physical burdens of life without complaint leaves little room for vulnerability. And just because we carry it well doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy.
The Invisible Load
Many of us are holding not only our own pain but also the unresolved wounds of those who came before us. Generational trauma, family expectations, and the unspoken rules of how we’re “supposed” to show up in the world add to the weight. The belief that we must endure it all without breaking can harm our mental and physical health.
Recognizing the Weight
Strength doesn’t mean we have to carry everything alone. It’s okay to pause, acknowledge what feels heavy, and ask for support. Therapy, journaling, and community care can provide the space to unpack what we’ve been holding. Resources like Therapy for Black Girls and The Loveland Foundation offer culturally competent support tailored to our unique experiences.
Redefining Strength
True strength is knowing when to let go. It’s choosing rest without guilt. It’s saying no without explanation. And it’s embracing the healing that comes from vulnerability. As the author bell hooks once said, “The wounds of our mothers are still with us, but so is their strength.”
So today, I invite you to ask yourself: What burden am I carrying that I can release? You don’t have to hold it all. Support is available, and healing is possible.
Today I release the need for perfection, and I will focus on what I need for today. We all have our backpacks that are filled with everything we collected along the way, but there are ways to lighten the load along the way.
You deserve to feel light again. If you would like to schedule an appointment with one of our therapists please contact us at info@findyourvoicecc.com.
#FindYourVoice #TherapyForYou #EmotionalWellness #Evanstontherapist
Motherhood and Capacity: Embracing your Boundaries with Self-Compassion.
Motherhood is often idealized, portrayed as a blissful experience full of joy, love, and connection. Yet, the reality is far more complex. A crucial, often overlooked aspect of motherhood is the concept of “capacity.” But what does it really mean to have capacity as a mother, and how can understanding it empower mothers to navigate their journey more effectively?
Defining Capacity
Capacity, when it comes to motherhood, is about the emotional, physical, and mental energy a mother has to care for both her kids and herself. It's the ability to nurture, support, and meet her child’s needs while also making sure she’s taking care of her own well-being. When a mom understands and recognizes her capacity, it can lead to stronger, healthier relationships with her kids and herself.
It's important for us to realize that capacity is not limitless. It can be influenced by factors such as stress, mental health, and life circumstances. Mothers who acknowledge their emotional limits are better equipped to seek support, whether through friends, family, or professional help. Mothers often juggle multiple roles—caretaker, employee, partner—leading to fatigue and burnout and understanding your individual capacity means recognizing when to rest, recharge, and prioritize self-care.
By honoring these limits, mothers can better serve their families and themselves. Recognizing when mental capacity is stretched thin can help mothers step back and reassess priorities. Techniques such as mindfulness, organization, and delegating tasks can alleviate the mental load.
If You Don’t Have Compassion for You, Who Will?
Mothers often struggle with guilt or feelings of inadequacy when they feel their capacity isn’t enough. It’s important to practice self-compassion in these moments. Every mom has limits, and it’s okay to ask for help. Prioritizing self-care and accepting that it’s normal to have days when capacity feels low can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling motherhood journey.
Building Capacity
Self-Awareness: Regularly check in with yourself to assess emotional, physical, and mental capacity. Journaling can be a helpful tool for reflection.
Set Boundaries: Learn to say no to commitments that drain your energy. Protecting your time and space is vital for maintaining capacity. A simple phrase I am learning to use is, “I’m sorry, but I don’t have capacity for this today, this week, this month, etc”
Seek Support: Whether through family, friends, or professional resources, don’t hesitate to lean on others when needed. It’s important to know that family members can often be helpful in certain contexts and can be the thing that we find draining. It’s OK to ignore phone calls, or limit conversations with certain people when you are trying to seek support that will help you feel restored. This is where a therapist is super helpful. A therapist is your time and no one can disrupt your weekly hour.
Prioritize Self-Care: Make self-care part of your routine, even if it’s just a few minutes a day. This can replenish your capacity over time.
Embrace Imperfection: Understand that motherhood is not about perfection. Celebrate small victories and learn from challenges. Listen, being a mother is no joke and we have to pace ourselves, we have to give ourselves grace, and we have to understand that there is no such thing as a perfect mother. We all try our best!
Conclusion
Understanding capacity as a mother is essential for fostering a healthy, nurturing environment for both children and oneself. By recognizing emotional, physical, and mental limits, mothers can approach their role with more compassion and awareness. Motherhood is a journey filled with ups and downs, and embracing this journey—capacity and all—can lead to deeper connections and a more fulfilling experience. Remember, it’s not about doing it all; it’s about doing what you can and being kind to yourself along the way. If you or someone you know needs support around the challenges of motherhood, reach out today.
Thanks,
Tyler
Redefining Self-Care: Embracing Self-Love Beyond the Cost
For me, self-love is about creating a lifestyle where you can truly listen to your internal and external needs. The great thing is, you don’t need money to achieve this! Many people struggle with the term “self-care” because it’s often linked to doing something that costs money.
Let me give you a real-life example from my own experience. As a mom, black woman, and a businesswoman (yay!), there are plenty of times when I feel overwhelmed and need some time to focus on myself. Just last week, I was sitting on my couch, and my body was practically screaming for a nap. But then my mind jumped to the idea of getting a pedicure. For a second, that sounded nice, but then I became overwhelmed by the thought of it. I had only two hours, and what if the salon was busy or the service was slow? I started worrying about not having enough time to start dinner, and the list of what-ifs went on and on.
Why am I sharing this? My body was clearly asking for rest, but I ignored it and had a knee-jerk reaction to “do something.” I think we’ve all been there, feeling like we need to be doing something, even when it’s not what we truly need.
So, think about how many times you do this in a day, week, or month. What if you made a commitment to really tune into your internal and external needs? I wonder what that could reveal for you. I invite you all to think about a name to redefine “self-care” for yourself. For me I use the term self-love, but that does not have to be for you. How will you define the way you restore your internal and external needs?
You Can Have it All, but Not all at the Sametime: A Black Woman’s Perspective
In a world that constantly promotes the idea of "having it all"—a seamless blend of career success, personal happiness, and perfect relationships—Black women often find themselves at a crossroads of ambition and reality. The ideal of "having it all" can seem tantalizingly close, yet its pursuit frequently unveils a paradox: achieving many milestones while simultaneously grappling with a profound sense of something missing. This contradiction is not just a personal struggle but a reflection of broader societal dynamics that uniquely affect Black women.
The Illusion of “Having It All”
The ideal of "having it all" often paints a picture of a flawless life where professional triumphs, strong relationships, and personal satisfaction coexist harmoniously. For Black women, this vision can be both an aspiration and a source of immense pressure. We are frequently seen as symbols of strength and success, celebrated for breaking barriers and achieving excellence.
In the workplace, Black women are often high achievers, leading teams, innovating in their fields, and setting new standards. In our personal lives, we juggle familial roles, community responsibilities, and social engagements with grace. Social media and mainstream narratives celebrate these accomplishments, yet they can also create an unrealistic standard that overlooks the unique challenges we face. The reality behind the facade of "having it all" for many Black women involves navigating a complex web of expectations and barriers. While we often excel professionally and personally, the pressure to continuously perform can be overwhelming. The weight of these expectations, combined with systemic inequalities, can make success feel like a constant struggle rather than a reward.
The Paradox of Perfection
The paradox of “having it all” becomes stark when we consider the sacrifices and challenges that accompany it. For many Black women, this paradox manifests in several ways:
Exhaustion and Burnout: The pressure to excel in every sphere of life can lead to exhaustion. The expectation to be both resilient and invincible can mask the reality of burnout, as we often carry the additional burden of navigating workplace biases and societal stereotypes.
Neglect of Personal Well-being: In striving to meet external expectations, personal needs and self-care can take a back seat. Balancing the demands of career, family, and community responsibilities can leave little time for self-reflection and personal fulfillment.
The Weight of Representation: As one of the few Black women in many spaces, there is often an unspoken expectation to represent and advocate for our communities while also proving ourselves professionally. This dual role can create added pressure and feelings of isolation.
Redefining Success
To find balance within this paradox, it's crucial to redefine what "having it all" means from a personal perspective. This involves:
Embracing a Multifaceted Definition of Success: Success should be defined not by a universal standard but by personal values and goals. Recognizing that achievement can be both professional and personal allows for a more inclusive and realistic understanding of fulfillment.
Acknowledging the Fluid Nature of Balance: Balancing multiple roles is not about achieving a perfect state but about managing priorities and adapting to changing circumstances. Accepting that balance is a dynamic process can alleviate the pressure to meet an unattainable ideal.
Prioritizing Self-Care: Self-care is essential for sustaining well-being. Making time for mental health, rest, and personal joy is not a luxury but a necessity for long-term resilience and happiness.
Valuing Authenticity: Embracing one’s authentic self and journey is crucial. It’s important to honor our unique experiences and challenges without succumbing to societal pressures to conform to a narrow definition of success.
Shifting the Narrative
To create a more supportive and realistic narrative around "having it all," we need to:
Foster Open Dialogue: Sharing our stories and struggles helps to normalize the challenges we face and reduces the stigma around expressing vulnerability.
Support Diverse Pathways: Recognizing and valuing different paths to success and fulfillment can help create a more inclusive environment where Black women can thrive.
Champion Personal Choices: Supporting individual choices and defining success on our own terms allows for a more genuine and satisfying life journey.
The notion of "having it all" is both compelling and complex. For Black women, it represents a journey marked by significant achievements and unique challenges. By redefining success, prioritizing self-care, and embracing authenticity, we can navigate the paradox of having much while still seeking more. Ultimately, it’s about creating a life that reflects our own values and aspirations, rather than conforming to an ideal that may not fully account for our experiences and realities.
I invite you all to reach out to schedule a free consultation, or schedule an appointment with me a therapist who understands your lived experience.
Until Next time, Be Well.
Tyler
